David is thinking about the meat faerie (zoomardav) wrote,
David is thinking about the meat faerie

My Christmas Present to Me

This year I bought myself a Carol Channing Ventriloquist Dummy, or vent fig as they are known to insiders, for Christmas.

Carol Channing Ventiloquist Doll

You see, she signed a deal to make these just before saying that she thought gay people were going to hell. Since the only people who were going to buy this were collectors of broadway memorabilia, the market dried up faster than... well, Carol Channing's... never mind.

This means they went on sale for cheap. So cheap, protesters were actually buying them to burn them outside of places she was appearing. I rushed in to pick one up. As an expert in the novelty industry, I can tell you that something this strange comes along only once every couple of year.

It came with this certificate in authenticity signed by Carol herself. Her signature looks like it should be on a birthday check for five dollars from your grandma. SCORE!

Carol Channing Certificate of Authenticity

So far, she is fitting in like one of the family.

Carol Channing and Roscoe

Finally, here is a picture of her waiting in my bed to slice me up as I sleep.

Carol Channing Waiting to Kill Me.

Notice she left plastic bags on her hands so she wouldn't leave prints on the knife. Carol Channing loves her CSI!
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