David is thinking about the meat faerie (zoomardav) wrote,
David is thinking about the meat faerie

More Spam Scammer Fun!!

erined recently sent me a spam email she received that she thought I might want to reply to. You can see that one here. Of course, I couldn't continue with Dave Eggers, so I switched over to Doctor Richard Flam. Many typos abound.


I have just received your email about searching for a relationship.

I may be your man. I am a medical doctor of medicine with a large genitalia. I am look for someone with which housework shall be done in my house.

I have a large house. Really big. I could probably sleep 20 people comfortably and STILL not have someone sleep on the couch.

What up?


Doctor Richard Flam
Medical Doctor of Medicine

PS I have tattoos that make me look like a tiger and a personality
like ground glass in lemonade. First it's sweet, then it tears you
apart and makes you bleed, then IT BURNS!!!!!
Then, she sent me a picture!

Hello Richard.
How are you doing? You probably have guessed, it is written to you by
My full name Yuliya Kunova.

I have seen your structure on a site, and I have dared to write to you this letter. I did not expect,
that you will answer, but It was very pleasant for me to receive your letter. Excuse, for a delay of
the answer. I did not check the mail, and Therefore has not answered you at once. I for the first
time use acquaintance through the Internet, therefore it is very interesting to me.
You frequently use the Internet in the life? You probably have been very much surprised, when have received
a mail from the Russian girl.
Russia, it so is far from you! But in our modern century of distances does not exist.
To me will very interestingly get acquainted to the person from other country. I always dreamed of it.
I hope, that at us friendly relations, and probably will appear and it is more. But we shall not look so far.
Richard, tell about itself, it is very interesting to me. You can send me still the photo.
It will be very pleasant for me, I send you the, I hope to you I shall like:).
It is interesting to you, how I have dared to write to you? I have sister Irina who has married the foreigner.
She not the close sister and as at us speak " the distant relative ". She has married the Italian, his name is Luigi.
They too have got acquainted through the Internet. Luigi lives in Madrid. Irina has left
to him and recently they have arrived together. Now they stay in our city.
I see, how they are happy, therefore I too was solved. I want to find the person abroad.
I for a long time reflected on it, and the have decided  have written to you the letter.
Irina studied at university Italian and French languages, and I studied English, therefore I have chosen your country.
Besides. I think their quieter and reasonable people.
I Hope, that you understand my English language. I probably do many mistakes.
At once I bring apologies if I have written, something not so. I sometimes use the dictionary when I do not know a word.
  Richard, you probably ask me why I have found the man in the country? I shall answer you fairly.
I tried to construct long time the life with Russian guys. But at me it has turned out nothing. My last guy
Very strongly liked to drink alcohol. I tried to struggle with it, but at me have left nothing. I saw,
What is the relations to anything will not result, therefore I have left him.
The problem of drunkenness, is very strong in our country. I see it every day. Our men very strongly like to drink.
Besides they do not appreciate in us our better qualities. They do not respect us. At me was a little bit guys,
And almost all had same problems. I am disappointed with Russian men, therefore I want to construct
happiness with the foreigner. I want to ask you, you have harmful habits? Write to me the truth.
I do not smoke and I do not drink. And me girls who do it are very not nice.
I shall tell a little about myself. I was born and have grown in the
city of Bugulma.
Bugulma is in Republic Tatarstan.
You know about this city? This very beautiful place. To us to city frequently there come tourists.
Recently our city has strongly changed, it began to look is more modern.
At us very beautiful parks. I like to walk in them with friends. And what your city?
I probably already have much written, and have set many questions. I hope you will find time to answer them.
Write to me about your country, about your family, it will be very pleasant for me, if you will answer all my questions.
I hope, that my friendship will interest you, and we shall continue to write each other. I very much hope for it.
When I began to write to you, I did not expect, that the letter will turn out such big. My letter is sincere,
 And I hope, that you also will be fair with me.
If you were interested with my letter, write.
I wait for the answer. Your new Russian friend Yuliya.

My reply:

Wow, I think I could overlook your poor looks if you were willing to do a lot of housework. I mean A LOT! Maybe you could clean my friends houses as well.
I am looking for love. I do occasionally drink, not often, but when I do drink I drink like a real man. I pour whole bottles of whiskey down my throat and rage against the dying of the light! Often naked. Sometimes with friends.
Do you know how to sew? I would like a full body silk suit that made me resemble a dragon of some sort. If you made it for me, I would talk like Sean Connery while you ran in fear from my terrible terrible silk dragon suit.
I would also make a cave of some kind. Perhaps paper mache?? But I digress...
I am training for a strong man contest when time allows. As a medical man of medicine, it is difficult to find the time. Right now I am lifting huge anchors onto giant spools. 800 POUNDS! I don't know what that is in your inferior metric system.
Find a picture of me attached. Not the best one, but I have been told how handsome I am by everyone, so I expect you will find me pleasing as well.

DOCTOR Richard Flam
Medical Doctor of Medicine
Specializing in diseases of the neck and spleen for over ten years...

My picture:flam

Now, when you read this next bit, you might think she didn't even bother to read my reply, but notice she is no longer calling me Richard, she's switched to Doctor.

Hello my new  friend Doctor.
How are you doing? It is very pleasant for me, that you have answered my letter.
You know, I even have thought, that you will not answer me, that to you the friendship with the person from
Russia is uninteresting. Excuse for a delay of the answer.
Thank you for the letter. I have received it today and as soon as at me the free time has appeared,
I at once write you the answer. I want to tell to you more about
myself. As you probably already know, me 30 years.
I was born on October, 27, 1975. On a mark of a horoscope I the Scorpion. Write to me too when you were born and
what at you a mark of the zodiac. It is very interesting to me. My growth of 171 centimeter. If I am not mistaken,
at you other system of measures, but I do not know how many it will be in foots.
I hope you can translate. My weight about 60 kg. Sometimes I collect 1-2 kg, I at once dump them. I watch for the a figure.
My opinion, that the girl should watch a figure. My nationality - Russian. On religion I the Christian.
And what religion at you? I was not married, I wrote to you in the previous letter. At me never was children.
Doctor, maybe, it is possible, we shall be together during future
time, I seriously want to find the husband in your country. But we should learn very well each other.
Write to me more about itself, it is very pleasant for me. We should learn with each letter more about each other.
I hope, that you agree with me in it. Please, tell to me about it, well? Please, agree with me, Doctor!
I very romantic person, I all life searched for the prince. But my searches have not crowned success.
Probably to me will carry with you, I very much hope for it. But I always dreamed of the boy and the girl from
the favourite person. But such important decisions, How to get the child are solved both partners.
I was born and have grown in Bugulma. In this city I have lead the childhood.
My family small. It will consist of my parents and me.
Mine the father and mum. My mum wanted to have one more child. But doctors have forbidden to her it.
They have told, that mum simply will not sustain one more sorts.
And I always dreamed of the sister and the brother with whom I could shares the problems and pleasure.
I studied in the Kazan institute. On a speciality the bookkeeper. It is very much widespread trade among
Russian girls. My parents have advised me to go studies there. Now I work in the bookkeeper in small firm
which is engaged in sale of products. I like to work here. At us small, but amicable collective. Our boss has
allowed to use to me a computer to write letters. I am very grateful to him for it.
We have computer which has access in the Internet, and I use it for the work and to write to you.
We have no house a computer, Therefore I write you from work. A computer, it is expensive for our family.
Therefore I have no opportunity to answer you on your letters every day.
Doctor, I today talked to the system administrator. He is the person who is responsible for work of our computers.
He has told to me, that our Internet very slow, and cannot accept the big volume of the information.
He spoke that that about mbytes, but I have not so well understood. If you will send me photos send gradually.
You know, our computer such old, that on it are not present even Columns, and we cannot listen on it to music.
Our director has told, that a computer for work, instead of for entertainment.
My father, his name is Alexander, works as the driver by the public bus. He goes on a route in city, and carries people.
I in the childhood very much liked to go with him by the bus. I still had many pleasant memoirs.
 My mum, her name is Olga, works in shop. She trades in products.
Our family not so big, but at us is many relatives. We very much frequently go in village, my grandmother.
I very much love her, but I see her seldom. And earlier all the summer long I carried out in village.
Tell to me about the family. What hobby at you is? I collected marks earlier.
Then I was fond of knitting. But now I do not have not enough time. I give a lot of time to work.
You have pets? I have houses a dog. We call it Vaska. It very ridiculous.
I liked to play with it when it was small, and now it became big and important.
I dreamed to have a dog in the childhood, but parents have bought to me a kitten. I have got used to cats
and very much I love them.  Doctor you were outside your country? If yes, tell to me. I never was anywhere,
except for as in Russia. Mine most treasured dream to visit Europe or in your country. One more dream, it to
see the sea. I never saw a lot it. Probably it is very beautiful. I read about your country much. At it not
long-term, but very rich and interesting history.
 What do you like to do at leisure? We with girlfriends go to clubs on a disco. But it happens not frequently.
Still I very much like to walk on the nature. In our city it is a lot of parks. We walk there. It so is good.
Sometimes I remain at home together with family. We prepare for a tasty pie and we sit together at a table.
I very much like to prepare, my friends count me the good cook.
I hope you will understand my questions and will answer me them.
Excuse, if I do not answer on all your questions. Simply I sometimes do not understand them.
To not look silly, I do not answer them.
I wait for your following letter. Transfer my greetings and the best regards to the family.

Picture the next:


So many questions!!!
As to religion, I have none. I loathe the very concept of God to such a degree that just driving by a church makes me physically ill. In fact, I may have to throw up a bit just typing this sentence.
I guess my only religion is revenge. If someone wrongs me, by making me look stupid or stealing my money, I spend every waking moment trying to destroy them. So, I guess that is a warning, don't cross me unless you want a fast stabbing or a trip to the looney bin. I have driven many women insane!
I was born June 28th, 1965. That makes me a cancer. But, I think astrological signs are for half-brain idiots and girls.
My dog, Toothy, is a trained attack pitbull. The kind that eats children when they wander into your lawn. That is a kind of murder which escapes punishment in the United States. Kind of a practical joke with dire consequences for the jokee!
Funny story about women and cooking. Once, my ex-wife tried to make me a fancy meal. You know some of that fancy foreign cooking you learn about on the food network. Anyway, it tasted like day old coffee grounds and afterbirh. I told her it was delicious, but the next day I "accidently" urinated on her while she was sleeping. Hilarious!
I may be travelling to Russia in the near future to open a hospital. 
Doctor Flam
Medical Doctor of Medicine
Strongman Contest Participant

So far, no reply.
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