David is thinking about the meat faerie (zoomardav) wrote,
David is thinking about the meat faerie

My kind of shoplifter...

This story is so full of unexplained bits, I just had to share.

So, lets paint the picture. A guy is going to shoplift a few CDs and some other stuff from K-Mart. His bright idea? He goes to a beehive and puts a hundred or so bees in a jar, just in case. He lifts the stuff, thinks he has been spotted, and then goes into the men's room. He opens the jar and yells, "Bees! Bees!" And, while everyone is scrambling around to get away from the bees, he makes his getaway. The best part, IT WORKED!

I wonder how he came up with the idea of the jar of bees. Did he consider jars of other things? Would a shoebox of mice work? What about a weasel or ferret? Would you run out of a bathroom if someone yelled, "Ferret!"

Now, squirrels would be hard to catch, but I think they would be perfect for shoplifting. Get about ten squirrels in a box, shoplift and then throw them on the ground in Nordstroms and scream, "Squirrels! Squirrels!" The little brown disease bags would careen around the store making mischief. While you make your way out of the store with your new pair of $500 furry boots. Could they blame you? If you got caught, you would just say, "I had to get away from the squirrels. They sometimes carry rabies and their little claws would feel creepy on my skin if they made their way up the leg of my oversized pants." (You'd have to remember to wear oversize pants for that one to work.)

Of course, if you could sneak it in, the ultimate would be a cougar or a croc. If you snuck a cougar into Circuit City and released it, I bet you could get away with 3 or 4 laptops easy. Imagine the reaction if you screamed "Cougar!" and that great muscular beast just started taking out the weakest members of the Circuit City sales team with the brute force of a bloodthristy carnivore that has been hidden in an overcoat for an hour. I bet the cougar could tell who hadn't met their service plan quota and would go for their neck first.

Also, why limit this jar of bees thing to just shoplifting? It's the perfect excuse to get out of a date that isn't going well. Or, maybe you're about to get fired at work. Or, declared guilty in your murder trial. Just as they're about to announce the verdict, you release the bees.

I am definitely going to start carrying around a jar of bees, just in case.
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