We went to get sushi down the street. When I asked her how it went, she said it was fine, but the details gradually slipped out. The last club she tried had a muscular guy with Fabio hair that would choose the machine next to her no matter how many were free and then flick sweat on her as he pounded away on the excercycle. She had hoped that this new club would be different.
The first thing she told me was that the guy who took her around the new club called her “baby girl” about six times during their conversation. I asked if he was a jerk. “No,” she said, “He wasn’t a jerk, but he wasn’t very smart. He kept using malaprops.” I asked if she remembered any, but she said she didn’t. I wish I could adequately communicate the midwestern dryness of our voices as we talked about this.
“He wanted to high five me, but I told him, sorry, I don’t do that,” she said.
“You said that?”
“Yeah. But, I told him we could touch elbows.”
“Did he touch elbows with you?”
“Yeah. He wanted to take my measurements and I told him that wasn’t going to happen. I’m not letting him touch me! He also asked me if I played a lot of sports in school. I said, now that’s a silly question, and he laughed. So, I said, I did well in school instead. I’m smart. He said, Yeah, I can tell. I’d like to hang out with you.”
“Was he flirting with you?”
“Oh, I don’t think so. Hey, I remember one of the words he misused. He was telling me that what I had to do to work out correctly and he said, Well, you don’t want to just do a sumo-workout.”
“He meant, pseudoworkout. I told him, you must mean pseudoworkout.”
“You pointed it out to him?”
“Yeah, I said, sumo-workout has a whole different meaning. Then I told him how much I like the sumos. I like those big boys. You know they have camps where they train baby sumos. They know they'll be sumos from birth.”
“Was he a big boy?”
“No, he was muscular, but he wasn’t very tall. He used to play football on the something-eers. I didn’t recognize the name of the team.”
“Are you going to go back again?”
“Yeah, it was pretty clean there. Cleaner than the other place.”
“That’s pretty weird. I can’t believe you told him you didn’t hive five.”
“I don’t think he minded, we touched elbows when I left.”