Customer approaches desk. He's bald and schlubby looking. He said the following as if he had written it out and then memorized it in front of a mirror.
"Hello and happy 4th! I say that reassure you that I am a patriot and a proud American, albeit a radical one. I am looking for a book that has the full text of the Declaration of Independence and, if possible, the Constitution. I plan on attending the fireworks tonight and reading them loudly to the people gathered to watch."
Next customer. Chubby smiley guy, he hadn't heard the previous guy:
"Hello and happy 4th. Look, I don't want to appear unpatriotic, but do you have something about being an American or just about America from a funny perspective? You know, making fun of people who are patriotic. It's a hostess gift for a gay picnic I'm going to this afternoon."