David is thinking about the meat faerie (zoomardav) wrote,
David is thinking about the meat faerie
zoomardav

My Nigerian Lover - This is long but funny.

I know it isn't original, but I've been corresponding with a Nigerian spammer. I opened a new gmail account for Helpful Research and it was up for less than a day when David Bryan Ellis first emailed me and asked me to help him collect money from an inheritance that has been abandoned at his bank. This is really long, but I cut out the boring parts.

I have two goals in my communication.

1. I wanted him to tell me how he became a born again Christian.
2. I wanted him to agree to go on a gay vacation with me.

So, I invented a fake me named Dave Eggers and I sent him this email (typos intentional):

Hello,

I received your communication today and am intruiged by it. I am a simple teacher and could use the money. If I had it, I would use it to clothe children and pay for their food and books.

Before I go forward with this, I must know that it is ok in the eyes of Jesus. I have prayed to Jesus for money and he provided me with this kind email from you.

Please let me know how much you believe in the LORD'S words before I continue. If you are a good and moral partner, then the next step can be taken.

Yours in Christ Almighty God and Baby Jesus,

David Eggers

PS I take it as a good sign that both of us share the first name David and that is hebrew for beloved.

Mr. Ellis responded with a long canned email with one sentence that was original:

I beleive in Jesus and I know that he will see usthriugh.

I wanted MORE! So I wrote this email.

David,

Before I proceed to give you my contact data, would you please tell me
what Church you belong to and the day you accepted Jesus Christ as
your Lord and Savior. I desperately want this money, there are orphans
in my charge that need many supplies. I just need to trust you and
know that more than greed is behind this course of action.

Today was a beautiful day in Seattle.I spent it picking berries in the
church brambles adn them making jam with my wife. Are you married? I
find it brings peace and wisdom to a man.

Brothers in Christ look out for one another, I wish to take you into
my confidence. Once I am confident of the direction of your soul, I
can assure you that you could trust me with your life.

Yours in Christ our Savior and Lord,

Dave Eggers
Seattle, WA

In response, he sent me a scan of his passport:



So, I emailed this back to him, I want my Jesus story:

Mr. Ellis,

Thank you for your email, it is nice to see your face!

However, you did not respod to my basic request. All I require is the
story of how you found Christ. I need insight into the sould of a man
before I do business.

Please tell me how you found Christ and accepted him into your life!

If the details of your story feel real to me, I will happily send you
a scan of my passport.

Yours in our Savior Lord Christ,

Dave Eggers
Seattle, WA

Finally he told me the story of his his finding Christ!

David,

I got your email, and thank you for your response. As much as I will love to do business with you, because you are a believer and can be trusted, you also have a role to play which I expect you to have asked me questions about.

The story of how I became born again is a peculier one. I have always been attending church since I was born with my parents who are roman catholics. Meaning that by birth, I am a roman catholic. If you have ever attended a roman catholic church, you will understand that their manner of mass is quite monotonous and docile. I was not spiritually moved towards such.

When I became an adult, I lost interest in church activities, and went the way of the world. I drank and smoked if you understand what I mean I never belived that I could stop. My life was not what you will call a christain life for a very long time. But in the year 2000, I met a lady through my wife who is a christain. We discussed churches and christainity, and she told me that I have to give my life. I told her that I am a born Catholic, that I cannot find myself attending any other church, me and my farmily, but that the manner of service in my church was no vibrant. She suggested other penticostal churches, but I declined them. She made me understand that sevice is for the lord and not man, and that it does not matter where you worship, provided you worship the living God in a bible believing church. We prayed together and asked God to guide us. Then my wife was realy worried about my christain live. I told her I will not attend any other church apart from the roman catholic chuch.

As the year moved on, the same woman came to our house periodically to pray. In one of such occasions, she came with an information that their is a branch of the roman catholic church called the catholic carismathic church, that service there is quite vibrant, that as much as it is carried out the catholic way, that it is penticostal, and that prayer is strong. We visited, and to my suprise it was true. we started attending that church me and my family, we rededicated our lives, and since then we have been attending and serving the lord in that church. My life has changed. I neither smoke nor drink alchohol now. Things have changed for the better in my life, and i thank the all mighty Gord. He is the one who sent that woman to us. Since the year 2000, I have been promoted three times in my bank, which is wonderful.

The lord is Good.

Best regards,
David Ellis.


Then, I went on the internet and googled passport. I found a low quality scan of a cancelled passport with all the info grayed out. I used my excellent Photoshop skills to type over the gray boxes and fill them in with completely fake information. I then signed my name with a thick brush. No way, I thought, would they accept this passport.



Then, I started in with the poetry after that:

David,

Peter David Eggers
Fake address
Fake phone
Job: Teacher of children and caregiver of orphans.

Did I tell you that our orphans are all from the war-torn parts of
Africa? I don't know if you are aware of some of the situations there,
but the poverty is terrible and there are many countries with ongoing
wars that leave many children parentless.

The money that we get will go toward feeding and clothing this young
wayward children and strengthening their minds. My hope is that they
can take their knowledge and skills and return to Africa and make it
is into the paradise it was intended to be.

Today, my wife and I are going into town to shoot some pinball.

It is the embarrassment of my life that I am infertile and unable to
have my own children. But, I hope to make the world better through the
abandoned children of others.

I am also sending you this poem for your enjoyment and opinion. It is
about us and our HOLY CRUSADE to save orphans with this found money.
Please tell me what you think.

God's Money is Good

There is a man name David Ellis Bryan
Who emailed me on a day when I was cryin'
You see I thought that all was lost
The food for orphans came at too high a cost
But like a sunbeam through a cloud came Mr. Bryan
He CPRed my soul and stopped it from dyin'
David Ellis Bryan! David Ellis Bryan! (You yell this part)

He used to be Catholic, now he is not
Jesus our Lord, his soul HE got
If he were here I would bake him a cake
make him a dinner of potatoes and steak
David Ellis Bryan You So Rock!
David Ellis Bryan You are like Stock! (Still working on this line)
Orphans orphans orphans orphans
feed feed feed feed feed
Jesus will always be my number one
But, David Ellis Bryan will be the second one!

So, David Ellis Bryan, you can see how excited I am by this situation.
Please let me know what you think of my poem and maybe suggest
improvements? Don't worry, I know we need to be secretive about our
plans, so I will keep the poem to myself, but if it isn't just right,
I fear my confidence may be shaken.

Yours in Christ our Lord and Savior the One and Only One for Me who is
MOST AWESOME in his Glory,

Dave Eggers

At that point, Nancy thought I had gone too far, there was no way they would write me back. But, they LOVED my poetry.

Dear David,

I received your mails and your poem, they are good. You should go into writing or poetry in particular. You sent to me a P.O.Box . That is not what I need. I need a contact address. This is because The courier company will have to come to you and deliver the consignment. You will have to sign for them. You cannot do this with a P.O.Box.

However, I have commenced with the modalities which I have put in place to ensure the success of this transaction. I have also located a very good attorney who will represent you in this matter. His contact information is below, please contact him with your full information


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Farrell,

I have been reliably informed that you are a very good attorney and will be able to represent me in claiming my inheritance in UK. I wish to use this medium to seek your legal representation. My full contact information is included below.

Peter David Eggers
Fake info
Age: 44 Years.
SEX: Male.
OCCUPATION - Teacher of children and caregiver of orphans.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

your name.

So then, I started in on trying to get him to go on a gay vacation with me:

Great Friend David,

I treasure your compliment. I will contact the attorney immediately,
but first I must ask him if he is Christian as well. I did not know
that there would be another person involved in our business. As I
said, I will email him immediately.

However, I realized that I was being rude. I asked you for the story
of how you found Jesus without telling you mine.

The sinful shame that Jesus rescued me from was the sin of one man
laying with another man, sometimes two or three men, sometimes not
laying, but standing or squatting. I was the kind of man you might see
in short shorts in the summer, galavanting around in a Depeche Mode
shirt and a gold necklace looking for some action.

I did not understand love at that point, just simple animal lust. And
I did lust. I lived with another man, named Brian, for a year, but we
broke up over the issue of how untidy he was.

Then, one day, I was walking down Broadway, a street here in Seattle.
A man approached me and asked if I knew what it was like to be truly
loved. I started to unzip my pants, but he stopped me. Jesus, he said,
is love.

That shot through me like a lightning bolt! He explained to me that
Jesus did not like people to be homosexual. That it was against God.
It took six months of training, but I was able to beat the habit of
longing after other men's crotches, but finally, it came to pass.

That was when I met my wife at church who looks rather mannish so that
makes things easier. Her name is Sarah and without her I don't know
what I would do.

Since that time I traded "glory holes" for the WHOLE GLORY of God and
"doggy style" for GODDY STYLE.

So, I am off to email Mike Farrel now.

Yours in Christ God Almighty,

Dave Eggers

PS From your picture, I think you look like my old roommate Brian. I
like a mustache!

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So far, no response.
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