David is thinking about the meat faerie (zoomardav) wrote,
David is thinking about the meat faerie
zoomardav

Creepy Homeless Guy...

Nancy and I are friends with almost all of the homeless people in our neighborhood. They are mostly nice guys that can't control an addiction they have to something. Mostly alcohol. They love Roscoe and a couple of them have known him since he was a tiny puppy.

There are a few, however, that are crazy in a not fun way. One talks in a Donald Duck voice to try and be cute when he's asking for money. He murdered his wife and went to jail for 20 years. He got out a couple of years ago and now spends a lot of time getting drunk and then getting thrown out of places when they won't give him free things.

There is another guy that hangs out with the nice guys that has that feel of a dangerous con man. He's a little cleaner and more sober than the rest, but I don't know why he's homeless for sure. He always tries to worm his way in closer by talking bad about the other guys (You know John over there? He told me he'd mug you given the chance.) and he remembers everything you tell him. He always says our names, like a bad car salesman does on your second visit.

Today, he was chasing after us while we were walking Roscoe.

"David and Nancy! I had a dream about you guys. Wait!"

We looked at one another. We knew that this couldn't be good, so we nodded at him but kept walking. We had to stop at the light and he caught up to us.

"You guys have to hear this dream. I was drinking with Astro in the parking lot of a building. We were really drunk in the dream."

The light changed and we started crossing the street. He followed.

"So anyway, you guys were walking Roscoe and I wanted to pet him. But, when I did, he changed into you. Nancy. And then you got mad at me for no reason and kicked me down a set of concrete steps. A big one."

He kind of paused for a second. I could tell he was about to ask for money, as if one of us mistreating him a dream should apply some subtle guilt to us. Nancy turned away and said, "That's horrible, have a nice day!"

But not me, I summoned Tony. *

"Hello, David," he boomed in his deep voice that sounded like it was being echoed through a grain silo.

"Hey Tony, I wonder if you could help this guy straighten out his life? He's obviously made some bad choices somewhere."

"David, I have carefully explained in the past that I was not designed for subtle solutions. I'm afraid that the best I can do is to kick him down a really long set of concrete steps."

"Gosh Tony, if that's all you can do."

Tony reached out patted me on the shoulder with his Volkswagen sized hand, "It's for the best, David."

So, he did.


* Tony is an imaginary giant robot I am pretending to own. All the text in italics didn't actually happen.
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