David is thinking about the meat faerie (zoomardav) wrote,
David is thinking about the meat faerie
zoomardav

My Cricket Bat and Napoleon Dynamite...

I met crashtestbunny, Elizabeth who manages a theater, and her hubby at the Metro yesterday to see Napoleon Dynamite. She brought me a cricket bat. A huge white cricket bat that says "Shaun of the Dead" on the side. The company promoting the movie in the US had sent them out to theaters to give away as prizes. Elizabeth wisely decided that handing out cricket bats to an audience of young and probably drunk people would be a mistake. So she gave it to me. An over 3 foot long white cricket bat with a rubber handle wrapped in clear plastic.

I imagined someone seeing me for the first time while I swung it once like a light saber. Although non-threatening, I have height and thickness that makes me loom even when I am desperately trying not to loom. I decided that leaving it in its plastic would make it less imposing. After all, if I cared enough about it to leave it wrapped, I probably wouldn't risk taking a swing at someone.

We went into the theater and got some concessions. The concession attendant looked at me for a tiny fraction of a second then dealt entirely with Elizabeth. As we started to walk away he said, "Dude, nice cricket bat."

I nodded.

I sat on the aisle in the theater and set my cricket bat down by my seat.

A couple in their 50s came in late and sat in front of us. No big deal at first, but the husband unpacked and set up a huge inflatable seat back cushion that she put on the chair. At first, it stuck a good six inches above her head. But over the course of few minutes, she worked it down so that it was only an inch over. The cushion looked like the back of a car seat, complete with a head rest. I watched her as much as the movie. I wondered if she had a back problem or was just really into comfort.

Their son sat in the row behind us. He was in a wheelchair and repeated the final word from some of the lines of the movie. He really liked it. His mom would peek back over her cushion and smile when he yelled. "Gooosshh!"

Then, I saw that she had a pump. She would squeeze the pump and her chair back would fill. If she pumped too much she had a release valve on the other side that blew lightly on my face. Every ten minutes or so, I could hear, pump pump pump and then the ssssssssing release of the excess air being released.

For some reason, this struck me as really funny and every time she did it I started laughing. The whole process of the chair was as ridiculous as anything in the movie.

About half way through her cell phone went off and she went to the aisle to see who it was. She dropped her phone and it hit my cricket bat. I smiled up at her.

She went and sat back down and whispered to her husband, "I think he has a cricket bat."

He shrugged. pump pump pump ssssssssssss...

After the movie, her husband grabbed the chair and started to fit it back in its container. The wife shook her head at me and said, "Why would anyone bring a cricket bat to a theater?"

The husband said, "Some people are crazy."

The mother called out a line from the movie to her son, "I caught you a delicious bass."

He laughed loudly and we were out of the theater before he finished saying, "Baaaaaaaaaassssss."

I brought my cricket bat to work today and set it next to my desk. A co-worker just walked by and said, "Dude, nice cricket bat."
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